Bring on the funnies

So Haiku Ambulance found this diddy and it almost made me spit coffee out of my nose. Not nice Haiku. A lot of funny stuff there. I posted it below as well, but you really need to go and check out the site.

So last night, this guy showed me something that is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.

And I’ma gonna share it with you.

This comes from our (Denver) local craigslist:

Free Cat (Named Mr. Mustache) my girlfriend’s choice, super lame, I know. He is available to anyone who is a glutton for punishment.
So we have a one year old kitten that is desperate need of a new home? Why do you ask? Well because this cat is a total butthole and is racist as hell. Don’t believe me, okay, judging him solely by the picture I too would think that “Hey, that’s an alright looking cat, I wonder if he can do any tricks?” If you consider biting black people an amazing trick than yes, this cat is the Houdini of “domesticated animals.”

Positive Stats:

* He is incredibly good at staring contests, so good in fact he will bite you in the nose if you stare at him too long and much like I did, you will blink when he does so.

* If you have a dog that barks too much, like my girlfriends dog tends to do, this cat will put him or her in check. My girlfriend has a 110 pound Rottweiler that is scared to death of this cat. The first time her dog barked at our mailman after getting this stupid cat, Mr. Mustache bit his ear so hard he almost pierced it.

* He sort of knows how to operate a firearm. I keep a loaded .45 in my nightstand and one day while I was at work I received a phone call from my neighbor reporting that she had heard a gunshot in my house. I raced home from the office to find Mr. Mustache hanging out on the couch, the drawer containing my handgun, was wide open, followed by large bullet hole in my nightstand and a slug lodged in my marble fireplace. There was no break- in; it was only the awful cat that put his paws on my gun. (No, I don’t have any kids in my house thus the reason for a loaded and easily accessible firearm)

* Mr. Mustache can climb drywall, last month during a nice spring afternoon a bird flew in through my open patio door and landed in the kitchen. This evil bastard of a cat climbed up the drywall trying to catch it.

* This cat will rid your neighborhood of all rodents, squirrels, mice, and even rabbits. I have found remains of all the above listed creatures in my garage where Mr. Mustache likes to leave his kills. Oh, and it’s such a treat to accidentally step on an animal corpse after arriving home from a long day at the office.

Negative Stats for Mr. Mustache:

•Ever since my girlfriend brought this cat home from our neighbors, whose cat had a litter of kittens; Mr. Mustache has destroyed two of my three leather couches. The two out of the three couches he has destroyed were black; the couch left alone was a cream leather couch, not even a single scratch on it from this demon cat. If you have a nice black leather couch I would advise finding a different cat.

•Mr. Mustache loves Guinness Stout; no we have never willingly given him booze. However, if you leave a Guinness unattended he will use that ass-licking tongue of his and drink from your glass. Gross!

•Remember how I told you Mr. Mustache is racist? Well every time one of my non-cracker friends is over at my house he attacks them. Not joking! He will hide and wait until they are seated in a chair or on a couch, sneak up behind them, climb up whatever they are sitting on, and bite them in the face.

•Hates the Meow-Mix Commercials, I had just purchased a new 64 inch LG TV for my basement and a Meow-Mix Commercial came on and the stupid cat attacked my new TV and scratched the LCD screen.

•This cat will chew on and sabotage your condoms if he can gain access to them.

In conclusion, “why haven’t I taken this cat to the shelter, or put it to sleep?” Because I think every domesticated pet deserves a second chance. Animals that go to a shelter have a pretty good chance of being put to sleep, and regardless of Mr. Mustache’s bastard status , he does not deserve that fate. My girlfriend will be in charge of meeting with interested parties, so please if you have intentions of causing harm to this cat, save yourself sometime, because she is pretty good at spotting terrible people especially someone that would gain pleasure from harming an animal. With all the above listed information to take in, please remember we have been totally honest about this cat’s character and habits. So please, if you decide to take this cat home there is no need to point blame at either my girlfriend or myself when he damages your house, or harms your dog. You have received prior accounts as to my opinion of this “blender made of fur” that goes by Mr. Mustache.
Please email with any questions. This cat comes with a big bag of food, a large climbing/cat tree house, all shots are current, sorry he is not de-clawed, but he is neutered so that he cannot pass on his demonic genetics.

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2 comments on “Bring on the funnies

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